From Depression to Spiritual Awakening – Jeff Foster
Yeah and share now with us your quest, oh, oh, I’ve just been avoiding that um. Well, oh the very.
The very short version is right. I mean my whole life.
I was just or with myself just I in some just so much pain and grief and rage and always running away, always running away, and I mean to me, it ended up.
I ended up on my knee, I mean I ended up suicidal depressed once him just wanting to die.
Furthermore, I realize now I realize no, I never wanted to die.
Really, I wanted to live, just didn’t know how nothing anyone really wants to die. We don’t know what death is with what we really want more.
We serve, I realized now for me, it was like I just want to live.
I want to taste life again. What I didn’t realize that life was there.
It was, it within me. It was within all the things I was running away from, but the very things that wanted to save me they wanted to save me.
Uncertainty wanted to save me what my gurus were lined up yeah, and now I was wanting to die.
I become like a obsessive spiritual seeker obsessed with them becoming enlightened.
You know I saw enlightenment as a future goal somewhere to get to how do I get from here to enlightenment, and I took many forms.
You know it was like to get to enlightenment to get to awakening to get to a state.
I thought it was like a state I had to get into oneness. I thought how do I get from here to oneness?
How do I get from here to no self? How do I get from here? You know it was all it was the same game, and so I just became exhausted.
I became totally exhausted, totally exhausted and then wanted to die even more because I my story was: I failed in the material world.
Now I failed in the so-called spiritual world.
You know – and I think it wasn’t it was in the midst of that exhaustion.
The exhaustion actually was a real wake-up call. It was, it was intelligent.
I realized now even my exhaustion was completely intelligent. What the exhaustion was saying.
He took me a while to listen to it. What the exhaustion was saying was Jeff, just stop like slowdown here, beat yeah, and I so one day I was lying in bed. I was lying in my bed completely exhausted, fed up sick of spirituality. I couldn’t read another spiritual book. I was so nauseated.
I didn’t want to hear one more word about bloody awareness or consciousness, or the presence of the witness of the witness of awareness.
The subject of the object, the witness of the self no self, there’s no self – that has a self from the self that drops the self, but who knows that the self is dropped because of the self is who would drop itself? My son once, I’m! No one, but if I’m no one, how do I know that I’m no one, maybe
I’m someone thinking that and then no one. I know I mean as this was like 24/7.
Oh, my god always, always trying to understand working it out always trying to get there always wondering why I wasn’t there.
Yet when will I get there? When will I get there that I’d be is like mesmerized with their this mystical land called bear, which you can’t ever get to cuz.
You have here because you are there, so that was, I was lying in bed one day exhausted, and I’m fed up sick. Just no more, I nothing really happened.
I mean there’s not some there’s not some big story here.
Nothing really happened, it wasn’t like a big experience, or it wasn’t a big like fireworks.
It was this really. It was just this um remember it was like a remembering it was like. Oh yeah.
It was like that it wasn’t exactly like that, but it uh I was. I remember I was um.
I was. I was looking over a chair, it was, it was a chair and I for some reason.
I was like this chair caught my attention, and it was just a very ordinary chair.
It wasn’t like an enlightened chair, and it was like it was just a sense of. Oh. Oh yeah, like I’ve, always known this, it’s everything is here everything I’ve ever longed for us.
It’s just tear its oneness present consciousness. All these fancy words.
It’s got nothing to do with the fancy words and the concept. It’s just it’s just. Oh! It’s a chair.
No way, but it’s not really a chair like his life, it’s it’s good.
I mean this is where words, it’s God, its life, its energy. Oh, it’s love whatever appearing as a chair, you know it’s its um. It was just this kind of this, knowing it’s just like a knowing, and then they’re on, and it was.
It was the carpet as well, and I was like fell onto the carpet, and I was like Oh carpet huh I was actually I was. This is quite shameful, but I was like.
I was kind of like hug like hugging the car pega.
I’M sorry, I’m sorry carpet, I’m so sorry excite about it was like I’m sorry that I’ve ignored you.
It was like it was that sense. It was that sense, I’m so I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
I ignored you my whole life, I was, I was searching for something some highest state, some transcendent this.
Whatever you know, and I I completely lost connection with what I had called the ordinary. I had called it.
The ordinary, because I was waiting for something extraordinary and actually this while it was extraordinary it was, I wasn’t just a carpet, it was everything it was.
It was everything it’s the carpet, and it was the walls, and it was the the bed, and then it was no, and then there was this, it was an outside, I opened the window and there was out there was an outside world, which was very unexpected.
There were trees and flowers and car, and I was like, oh my it’s all.
It’s all love life away. Now, if I didn’t have, I didn’t have any words anymore. The words came later, but also it was how radically inclusive it all was. It was included.
The body that that’s what was so shocking, it was because for so many years, I’ve been trying to as a spiritual seeker been trying to escape the body transcend the body, be free from the body all this freedom from freedom from so on.
My like it was like it was like being a baby again, it was always it’s my house, the hands, and it’s that it’s the hairs on my arm, and it’s, and it’s and it’s the feet, and it’s the toes, and it’s, and it’s the feelings it included. All feelings like it was, it was radically all-inclusive, it’s its the feeling, so it’s not just the joy. It’s also the doubt. Like even my doubt. My doubt.
I’ve been waiting for so many years to get rid of doubt. I’Ve been trying to get to a place where everything was certain.
I knew I knew, though I wasn’t that it was, I even doubt its sacred, the doubt and the uncertainty and the fear.
While I turned why had I turned away while I turned away from fear, why did I turn away from anything, and it was any include like the same before it also included the story of Jeff. That’s what was so shocking.
I thought I for so many years. I’ve been trying to leave Jeff and become oneness. You know all I get rid of my wave nature and become the ocean now I’ve as I had it all the way it was a completely wrong way around.
It was this include, it includes, it includes Jeff and the story and the past and the future, and it all appearing as thoughts all appearing his thoughts, memories dreams, so it was even even that was honorable. Even that was part of this astonishing creativity.
It was all part of the creativity, so that kind of not really turned my life around in a way that, like it kind of ended the spiritual seeking it was now, I realize it’s just about honoring.
That’s all it’s about it’s just about bowing! It’s about bowing to whatever I write, every thought: every sensation, every it’s all inclusive, it’s all! It’s all an expression of oneness. It’s not a threat to one is it’s an expression of oneness or whatever word so, and I’m not saying that.
I never forgot that again because that also was one the expertise.
I’M never gonna. Forget this I’m never gonna. I guess on one level I never really did I could still.
I could never really forget it, but you know there was some times of course, where I on the surface, I would forget and get dragged back into a story and run away from a feeling and it’s like, but life, no, you know very quickly, you’ll be a Nun – and I come back – come back touch this like feel this about boughs of this.
You know so that kind of changed the whole course of my life, and I never wanted to die again.
You know about because he, even though even the longing was scared you see, even though it was all sacred like even the feeling of that’s the crazy thing, even the the longing to die was sacred.
That’s why I’d? Never! No one ever taught me that nor had ever taught me that even these so-called deepest darkest urges in myself what were honorable and sacred, and they just wanted to move.
I didn’t have to be acted on. They just wanted to be felt and expressed, and everything would just energy right, it’s just energy, so, so just it blew apart.
It just blew apart all my um ideas about spirituality and about awakening there, but enlightenment and about you know.
I realized that so much of my understanding of enlightenment had been just a second hand to second hand other people’s words, other people’s stories, other people’s concepts, all the books, I read you know other people’s paths.
I was sick of other people’s paths, even to those lovely indian guys with the long beards and the ashrams and the was sick of that his our path as well.
I didn’t I wanted something. I could trust you know well, there’s sunlight! That was true. What was true, that was always my question. What can was true?
What I was looking, I would always look. I was looking for it through the mind you know through, so I think sometimes you just sometimes you just have to lose your path completely.
You have to sometimes you just have to not know what your path is had no clue anymore.
What your path is maybe later sometimes that’s the path, that’s the next step.
Sometimes that is the next step is to not know, not know what the next step will be.
That is the next step. That is the next step.
That’s the path to not know where the hell, your path is going to take you that’s the path in that the path of the moment we’re talking about the path of the moment.